I want to commemorate Jason Molina, who after years of struggling with alcoholism and illness died last week (March 16th, 2013) from what was described as “organ failure owing to alcohol consumption”. He was 39.
As a singer-songwriter he was unique and hard to classify because he did not fit into stereotypes: was his music a kind of folk? blues? country? rock? Whatever it was, and sometimes it was a mix of all of them, his songs were always personal. Listening to him was like listening to a friend.
He left us no less than 18 albums: his Songs: Ohia series, his Magnolia Electric Co ones, and three under his own name.
I am sure he will not be forgotten. The best way to commemorate him now, I suppose, is to take a moment to listen to him.
From his 2006 album Let Me Go, Let Me Go, Let Me Go:
ALONE WITH THE OWL
alone with the owls howling pain, pain, pain
alone with the owls howling pain
alone with the owls howling pain, pain, pain
you don’t have to live this way
while I lived was I a stray black dog
while I lived was I a stray black dog
while I lived was I anything at all
did I have to live this way
I stood beside the ocean not a single wave
beside the ocean not a single wave
beside the ocean not a single wave
not a single thing left to say
with the owl howling pain, pain, pain
with the ocean howling the same
my life howling the same
did I have to live this way
Click the green “Play” button – if it’s missing, install Flash.
For a full StayOnTop playlist, go to the Music page.
Sometimes, artists will make suicide look less gruesome than it is: embellishing or even idealizing it. Japanese representations of seppuku (the traditional samurai suicide by disembowelment) often do such a thing. They make suicide into something heroic. But the same kind of unwarranted beautification can be found in Western art, especially from the Romantic period.
A classic example from literature is of course Goethe’s 1774 novel Die Leiden des jungen Werthers (“The Sufferings of young Werther”), which became very popular all over Europe. It was the first novel that caused several copycat suicides. Several adolescent readers in the early 1800s got carried away to the extent that they really thought the best way to cope with a broken love affair was to kill themselves, like Werther did in the story.
I don’t really like such artistic embellishment. Intentionally or by emotional identification or by pure misunderstanding, it can make suicide into some kind of worthy, lofty, noble example – a tragic but understandable last act. A brave, almost honorable option. Evidently, it would better to not consider suicide such an example. To view it in a slightly more realistic way.
The Chatterton Craze
I want to show you a famous painting that in my view is a prime instance of untrue, mendacious romanticizing: the gratuitous beautification of a nasty, horrible death. Do you know about the brief, sad life of Thomas Chatterton?
Born in Bristol in 1752, young Thomas was a kind of poetry prodigy. He read a lot and in his early teens already wrote remarkable poems. At about 15, he claimed to have discovered and transcribed old-English poems by a medieval monk, one “Thomas Rowley”. This was Chatterton’s own invention; he wrote all those poems in brilliant medieval language and style himself. Many people were taken in at first. A few of these “medieval poems” were published; other ones were not yet accepted.
In the summer of 1770, feeling poor and lonely and rejected, 17-year-old Thomas Chatterton locked himself in his London attic, tore all his writings to shreds, and killed himself by taking arsenic. His body was found a couple of days later by a visiting doctor, who took care to preserve all the torn fragments of poetry.
Seven years after Chatterton’s death, in 1777, a more or less complete edition of his “medieval poems” was published by an admirer. They became popular, and after some discussion people came to the conclusion that indeed Chatterton had written everything himself. Some now considered him a genius and partly thanks to his young and tragic death, Chatterton gradually became a kind of cult hero.
In the early 1800s, ever more romantics began to write about him. Shelley, Wordsworth, Coleridge, Rossetti, Keats, de Vigny, Croft, all contributed to the romantic glorification of this tragic, brilliant, not understood, dramatic, lonely poetic hero. His praises were not just sung in verse and prose; several artists began to depict him – his death, that is. This engraving is an early example.
But in 1856 the Chatterton cult reached its zenith when the young Pre-Raphaelite artist Henry Wallis exhibited his painting The Death of Chatterton, complete with a Marlowe quote on the frame: “Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight”. This idealized, melodramatic work instantly became a tremendous success. For years, huge crowds came to see it, it was reproduced in lithographs, and Wallis was asked to paint smaller identical copies (he made at least two more).
Well, here is a picture of the original. Click it to see a larger picture for more details.
There are a few things I really want you to notice. First of all, the painting is titled “The Death of Chatterton” but actually it should have been named “The Dead Chatterton”, which is something different. Wallis did not depict Chatterton’s death, but how the young poet was supposed to have been found two days after his death.
If you think this is nitpicking, shall we try to imagine Chatterton’s actual dying? What happens if you poison yourself with arsenic?
Arsenic Poisoning in Reality
An acute arsenic poisoning goes like this. First, you experience confusion, headache, drowsiness and diarrhea. Your entire body begins to convulse. Your stomach begins to hurt terribly. You may have more diarrhea, begin to vomit, or urinate blood. You will get ever stronger convulsions with severe cramping, your muscles contracting involuntary.
You will not die immediately yet, but breathing becomes ever more difficult: it begins to feel like choking, with all the sheer panic that comes with suffocating, with desperately trying to breathe but somehow not getting enough oxygen: a bit like drowning. A cruelly slow, extended way of drowning.
What happens inside you is that the arsenic is interfering with several important metabolic processes in such a way that gradually, a multi-system organ failure occurs. Meaning that organs like your lungs, kidneys and liver are beginning to fail. Sometimes, but not always, the heart is affected too.
Finally, your contortions and your desperate gasping will come to an end when you slip away from your physical agony and struggling and panic and pain. You fall into a coma. And after that, after your last unconscious convulsions, yes, you die. Lucky you!
So how you will you be found? Almost elegantly stretched out upon your bed, like this painted Chatterton?
No. More likely you will be found with your mouth still open from your last gasps for breath, lying somewhere on the floor in a contorted curled-up position, in a puddle of vomit, urine and blood.
A pathologist will immediately recognize you died from arsenic poisoning, because arsenic also causes severe hemorrhaging in the soft tissue of all your body orifices, including your lips and mouth, your nostrils, your eyes, your ears. They will show a dark reddish color from internal bleeding.
This Painting Is a Lie
There are several more details that make Wallis’s painting less realistic than it looks at first sight. Such as, here we have an untended human corpse two days after death, in August, in an attic room with an open window. Where are the flies? But I won’t go into more unpleasant specifics now.
Wallis did not paint Chatterton’s suicide. He didn’t even try. He painted just an esthetically pleasing fantasy, a posed scene, a Big Lie. And he made matters even worse by intentionally suggesting Peacefulness (or something like that). What do I mean?
On the face, Wallis painted an expression that you will have registered subliminally, but perhaps without consciously noticing it. This is because on the painting, the face is not in an upright position. I’ve taken the liberty of rotating the detail of Chatterton’s face here, so its expression will more directly jump at you.
What do you think? With his brush strokes, Wallis did what some undertakers will do: covering the usual emptiness of a dead face with a different kind of expression. In this case, a suggestive one. One that permeates the atmosphere of the painting even if you didn’t notice it at first glance. This Chatterton does look fairly happy with his having killed himself so gruesomely, doesn’t he? Almost content, almost satisfied. And certainly peaceful.
In the rest of the painting, in the background, Wallis skilfully added some small details to suggest the dead poet’s loneliness and poverty. But he carefully avoided any hint, even the slightest, of the ugliness, the sordidness, the bloodiness, the desperation, the gruesomeness, the misery, the wretchedness, the total loss of human dignity that usually comes with suicide. On the contrary: he made it look almost beautiful, peaceful, painless and dignified. A Big Lie.
Why?
Why this Lie? It wonderfully fitted in the Victorian mindset: both that of the then-modern artists scene, and that of the more conservative general public.
For the artists who joined in the Chatterton craze, this dead teen represented not simply tragedy. He also represented the bitterness of lacking artistic recognition, and more important, the exalted cause of artistic freedom and individuality. To them, Chatterton represented the heroic determination to be different, the stubborn refusal to accept life as it is, the bravery of preferring death over making any concessions. Chatterton was their hero.
And to the Victorian public that came in droves to admire this painting, it represented not just tragedy either. It also appeared to express a kind of moral lesson, in a pleasing and elegant way. The lesson that this brilliant young poet had to pay for his genius with his untimely death; that some of us may be uniquely gifted but that such gifts are nothing to be jealous about, because talent comes at a price.
Both the artists and the public preferred to see romance instead of reality, ignoring the simple truth that suicides nearly always involve unbearable mental agony, cruel physical pain, and a sordid loss of dignity.
And Today?
Later artists gradually dared to show a little more of the sordid reality. An early example is the 1881 painting Le Suicidé by Manet that I featured in another post here.
But generally, people – including depressed, suicidal people – still prefer not to torment themselves with the actual, brutal face of suicide. In a way, that still is taboo. And this avoidance is certainly understandable.
But I wonder: in a few situations, might a honest confrontation with that brutal reality work as a useful kind of deterrent? A bit like how in some countries, packets of cigarettes must now legally show grisly photos of cancerous lungs?
Imagine a booklet with all kinds of graphic, explicit suicide photos: a mangled head after a jump from the top floor, a hanging body with wetted pants and swollen feet, and so on. Would this help to frighten people away from contemplating suicide? As a kind of reality check? To be honest, I would like some researcher to try this out, to test such a “frightening strategy”.
It would not work with anyone – that’s for sure. It would not work for people like the extremely depressed at the end of the line, or people who’ve already made up their mind, or people who feel a psychotic urge to kill themselves.
But maybe, just maybe, it might work with a few others: with what I call the suicide dreamers. Those who in their depression develop some abstract fantasy of blissfully releasing death, without being fully aware of the more gruesome dimensions of such a death.
Well, this is just a wild thought. Maybe such a “frightening strategy” would do more harm than good. Of course I don’t really know.
I do know that the romantic Chatterton cult has never completely disappeared: his myth lives on in art and literature and music, even today. In exactly the same way as the myth of Victorian beauty Lizzie Siddal (who also died young) still lives on today. There are poems, songs, even an opera and a novel about the Chatterton theme.
Robert James Selby
An often-mentioned Chatterton song is the one by French singer Serge Gainsbourg, but I don’t like that one at all. I’d rather go for the fine Ballad of Thomas Chatterton by English singer Robert James Selby – who happens to be a bit of a Chatterton lookalike, see the photo below.
Does Selby with his Chatterton ballad make the same error of idealizing and romanticizing as Wallis did with his Chatterton painting? That judgment I want to leave to you, but at least this is a good song.
If you want to know more about Selby, or if you are interested in his album Scrap Book Ballads Volume One, please do take a look at his Robert James Selby blog which is in fact a full-fledged artist’s website. Warmly recommended.
So, here is Selby with his Chatterton ballad (give him a little time).
(click the green “Play” button – if it does not work, install Flash)
• footnote: The original 1856 painting The Death of Thomas Chatterton by Henry Wallis is in the London Tate Gallery. Right now this painting is one of the 150 works in the Tate exposition Pre-Raphaelites: Victorian Avant-Garde which will run until January 13, 2013.
The model posing as dead Chatterton for Wallis was the young writer George Meredith.
The earlier 1794 engraving Death of Thomas Chatterton by Edward Orme is in the collection of the National Portrait Gallery, London.
• update: (thanks to reader AnRi) The Centre for Romantic Studies of the University of Bristol hosts a Thomas Chatterton Society dedicated to the poet’s work and historical background. Anyone who is interested can apply for membership here.
I guess this will show you again why a really good depression blog cannot exist. Why not? Because a good and intense depression piece should be written, obviously, by someone who is depressed himself. Herself. But if you are really depressed yourself, then you’re just not capable of writing a blog post. You’re too exhausted, demotivated, paralyzed, whatever.
I suppose this is why I often feel irritated by those feel-good cheer-up depression self-help websites. They always look like they’ve been written by people who are not depressed themselves – who’ve never even been a little depressed: wise guys who in fact don’t have a clue.
Well, to the point now. This weekend I was very depressed (still am) so I forced myself to take action. In the form of a long, healthy walk. Off I went! The only problem was, it didn’t work.
On the road it was like I was shlepping along this heavy black depression stone inside my head. It didn’t go away. I kept walking, and walking, and walking, but I couldn’t get rid of it. You know, even proven good solutions won’t always work. Occasional failure is just a fact of life. Isn’t it?
So I walked and walked and walked, putting one foot in front of the other, and again, and again, and tried to look around me. But everything I saw made me feel only more sad and hopeless and lost and lonely and failing.
I passed one of the small lakes near my home. On a sunny weekend day there are often one or two people fishing, or swimming, or just sitting around. But this time there was no one at all. Just me. Like the rest of the world had agreed: this doomed depressed person is coming along, let’s get away!
The lake itself, beautiful as it was, seemed to say to me: What the hell are you doing here? You don’t belong! You have no right to be here! You’re spoiling and contaminating everything with your ugly, poisonous mood!
And of course, this you saw coming, I also began to feel guilty: guilty because I didn’t enjoy the beauty of nature like I was supposed to…
I tried to fight back by pulling out my phone and taking a few photos. Here is one of them. But even while taking this photo I was thinking: maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to wade in and drown myself right there in the middle, where it’s cold and dark and deep. Just a few moments, and all will be over.
Then I reminded myself of all the sensible advices I had put online myself. Come on! What had I recommended others in my post about Mindful Walking? Right! When walking, find some way to really concentrate on your immediate environment! Full concentration will help to chase your depression away!
So in an impulse, I decided to focus on the colors around me. And to help me stay focused, I would use my phone camera to take a picture of every specific color I would encounter for the rest of my walk. And I would try to name each color.
So that’s what I did. Let me tell you right away that although this did help a little, it didn’t really chase my depression away. Maybe I was simply feeling too bad for that. But I kept photographing colors, all the way home, and at least this assignment kept me going. Here are a few of the photos:
White?
Yellow?
Magenta?
Brown?
Cyan?
Purple?
White & Yellow?
Blue?
When after nearly three hours I got back home, I was exhausted. Yes I know a good walk can be invigorating. But not this time. This time, even while trying to walk home in a focused way, looking for colors, making pictures, I’d lost my fight.
Well, like I said: occasional failure is just a fact of life. Besides, there just is no anti-depression strategy that always works. That’s how you can tell if someone is a quack: if they tell you they have the ultimate anti-depression solution that always works, guaranteed, then you know for sure this is a charlatan who should not be trusted.
This morning when I flipped through yesterday’s photos, I suddenly realized there was one color I had not explicitly named, and therefore not intentionally photographed – the one self-evident color, the one that was dominant in all photos: green.
In fact, what I had shot was mainly green (with a few stray patches of other colors). Green, green, green. All pictures, all green. And not one kind of green: no, a thousand different shades of green.
Apparently, during my depressed walk I had been not focused enough, still not really observing my environment. I had taken this green background of everything for granted, not really noticing it in my crazy quest for other colors, and not at all noticing the many different shades of green.
Is this some kind of lesson? I don’t know. Make it one, if you want to. You’re welcome.
Because I’ve got so little to give you today, I will let someone else do the work: Tom Waits. The wonderful, unique, inimitable singer Tom Waits. Here is a link to his website. And as an example from his 2004 album Real Gone, here is the fitting song Green Grass.
Green Grass is a brilliant song (in my view, at least) but not a happy song. It is supposed to be a voice from beneath the green grass, talking to a loved one who came to visit the grave. Waits was most likely thinking of an actual grave. But the song might also be interpreted as symbolic: voicing not death but depression as a kind of grave that separates us from those who used to love us.
One of the things that Waits suggests in this song is that in due time we will all become a tree, or the green grass that others, above ground, will still be able to touch. Is this supposed to be some kind of comfort? Again, I don’t know. Maybe, in some way, it is.
(click the “Play” button – if it does not work, install Flash)
• tip: I don’t feel in the position to give you tips this time. Well, maybe this one: don’t feel guilty for not feeling happy. For that will only make matters worse. Happiness is not some kind of missed obligation.
• footnote: The “Stone-In-Head” picture shows an ancient Maya (Copán) head from the British Museum collection. I admit I inserted the brick myself.
No doubt you’ve noticed that it happens quite often that a celebrity dies prematurely from a drugs overdose (or, like Whitney Houston, from some accident that wouldn’t have happened without taking drugs).
Of course the same thing can happen to ordinary people too: but they don’t make the headlines. A celeb’s death just gets much more attention.
At Wikipedia, you can skim a huge, really impressive list of well-known people who died from a drug overdose. A random example from the list is the famous photographer Diane Arbus, who suffered from depression all her life, and died in 1971 from an overdose of barbiturates combined with slitting her wrists. Like several of the others, this was an obvious case of suicide.
But if you go through that long Wikipedia list, it will soon strike you that many of those overdose-related deaths are in a kind of gray area: for many of them, it will remain unclear forever if this was an accidental or an intentional (suicidal) death. Personally I think in some cases, the deceased’s family may have preferred to label it as an unfortunate accident, rather than as a possible suicide.
This kind of unclear overdose-related death is something of all times: it’s nothing new. History tends to repeat itself.
One of the best known and still intriguing deaths-by-overdose from history is the one of Elizabeth Siddal, in 1862, in Victorian England. Even today, her life and her death still get a lot of attention. Even today, she still has devoted fans. There are books and websites about her; I especially recommend Stephanie Pina’s excellent blog LizzieSiddal.com.
Elizabeth Siddal was a poet and painter, but as demonstrated by this somewhat crude self-portrait, not a unique artist herself. Above all, her contemporaries considered her a great, dramatically expressive, perfect beauty. Her looks made her into what we today would call a supermodel. She inspired poetry by others, and for all the important painters in England at that time, she was the single most popular model. She was depicted in both realistic and idealized ways, in many remarkable paintings. Probably the best known one is Millais’ 1852 Ophelia (more about that in a minute).
It’s a pity that because photography was still in its infancy then, besides all those paintings we have only two photos of her:
I will not give her complete biography here, even though it reads like a romantic tale (born from humble origins, discovered by a painter while working in a shop, career taking off and posing for many, stormy love affair with one of them, coping with weak health, intriguing death).
In Shakespeare’s 1603-1623 play Hamlet, the king’s daughter Ophelia falls in love with Hamlet but is rejected by him. After her father’s death, Ophelia appears to go mad. Eventually she dies by mysteriously drowning in a stream. According to her mother this was an accident (Ophelia falling from a tree she’d climbed) but other characters in the play discuss whether or not it could have been suicide.
In 1851-1852, John Everett Millais painted this mysterious Shakespearian death, with Elizabeth Siddal modeling as Ophelia. During the process Siddal became ill because she had to lie posing for hours in a bathtub, while the water was getting cold.
Ten years later, Siddal would die herself in a way just as mysterious as Ophelia. In 1860 she had finally married her long-time lover, the painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti. But she had for quite some time been a laudanum addict.
Laudanum was a strong and very popular medication in Victorian times: a predecessor of morphine or heroin. It was an opium product that was dissolved in alcohol (because opiates do not dissolve well in water). It was used as a cure in many situations: as a potent pain killer, as a tranquilizer, as sleep medication. The alcohol component made the opium effect even stronger, and laudanum was very addictive. Many people in the 1860s, among them Mary Todd, US President Lincoln’s wife, were habitual users.
Siddal had become very depressed after having given birth to a stillborn daughter, and in 1862 (at age 32) an overdose of laudanum was fatal to her.
Rossetti, her husband, was heartbroken and the family firmly upheld that it was an accident. But there also were unconfirmed rumors of a suicide note having been found. I guess the truth will never be known.
The story does not end here. At the burial, Rossetti had in a dramatic gesture put the only copy of some of his poems in the coffin with her. Seven years later, in a typical Victorian morbid twist, he decided he wanted them back and had her exhumed. Witnesses reported that Siddal’s body still looked remarkably intact, her beautiful red hair grown out and filling the coffin. Frankly, this makes me think of the tales about the miraculously preserved corpses of some Catholic saints…
Now what made the story of Elizabeth Siddal’s life and death so popular and appealing, what keeps it going even on several internet sites today, 150 years later? The romanticism of it all? Her beauty? The mystery? The sad end?
All of those I guess: coming together in a sense of ultimate tragedy coupled to glamor. The exhumation story poignantly illustrates how people wanted to view not just her life, but even her death as glamorous: how they wanted to keep her in mind as someone who would never lose her glamor, not even after death.
But – suicide or not – can depression and death ever be a matter of glamor? I cannot help thinking that the actual tragedy is that, in her own sadness, to herself, Elizabeth Siddal already must have lost her glamor before that cold February day when this overdose took her life. Depression is ugly; and so is death.
I think the real lesson here is not that beauty is immortal (although here, in a way, it has been made immortal) but that happiness is frail. Even if you happen to be a celebrity.
– As the only possible conclusion, here is White Fire Sky: Craig McDearmid and Victoria Siddoway, singer-songwriters from Newcastle, who recently wrote a beautiful song about the enduring legend of Elizabeth Siddal. If you like it, please go for more to their White Fire Sky page at the Reverbnation music site.
Click the “Play” button to hear them with The Ballad of Lizzie and Rossetti:
• tip: Considering suicide? Then also consider this. You are not a celebrity: apart from hurting your family and friends, your death will not impress anyone. So why bother?
• note: The 1852 painting Ophelia by John Everett Millais is in the Tate Gallery, London.
If you landed here searching for the 1987 movie Fatal Attraction, I must disappoint you. This is not about that movie. This is about a much more dangerous, fatal kind of attraction: the attractiveness of death.
Even the best suicide prevention experts do not always fully grasp how very attractive, seductive a suicide decision can feel. Attractive enough, in fact, to think you don’t need any help. Let me illustrate this with a part of my own story.
Two years ago, I tried to kill myself for the second time. Unlike the first time some years before, my depression was also trauma-related. One of my very best friends, who suffered from bipolar depression, had hung herself a few months before. So on top of my habitual depressions, I felt not just an unbearable loss and disorientation, but also intense guilt for not having seen it coming, for not having been able to help her. I suppose that I also developed a subconscious longing to follow her, to join her, to be her companion in death.
In the weeks when I was still pondering my decision, I – unwisely – saw no need to bother anyone with what I thought were my own personal feelings. I really felt this was something I had to find a way out for myself, because no one else could feel or share the utter desperation I felt at the time.
Therefore I thought that trying to discuss it with others would be asking far too much from them, burdening them with troubles they wouldn’t even understand. At the same time I assumed that their advice would be completely irrelevant and useless to me.
Death, in my muddled state, became some kind of masked ghost continuously dancing through my mind, threatening but also, I don’t know how to put this, elegant in its finality. A dancing, recurring ghost that at first was still surely fearsome but became ever more charming, alluring, enticing, seducing, promising. To say this in a weird way: almost sexy. Gradually, I got convinced that Death now was a friend. The only one left who could help me.
Once I had decided I would indeed kill myself, my tormented mood changed into one of strange peace, calm, and resolution. In that state, I gave not a single thought to the possibility of asking someone for help or advice. I no longer needed help of whatever kind. Why should I call others to tell them I was going to do what I was going to do anyway? I wanted and longed to do it, to meet my friend Death, and I did not want anyone to interfere with that.
So during the entire process I simply did not see the need to call anyone, to ask someone for help. After my decision I got myself a stack of tranquillizers, a dose that according to online info should be lethal. I sat down, thought carefully about my decision one more time, overcame my last shiver of fear, and resolutely washed down the pills with whiskey and beer.
I confess I will never forget the immense relief once this was done, the acceptance and almost happy ease of letting-go, the great peacefulness of those last moments before gliding away into what I thought would be irreversible and eternal unconsciousness. It finally was out of my hands. I would feel no more. Be no more.
When in the next days, slowly and very confused, I came to in the hospital it turned out that a friend – not Death but a real friend – had found me in coma on the floor and had me rushed to the emergency unit. Later on, people told me that the first thing I asked for when I got back my voice, was a cigarette.
Of course now I know I was just plain stupid. Blind to reality. Dizzied by compulsive thoughts. Unfortunately, this is what deep depression in many people will do.
I want to make very clear that all this certainty of mind, this relief, this peacefulness I told about, was nothing but a form of treacherous self-deception. It is the narrow, strong, compulsive focus of deep depression that cruelly lures us into this kind of self-deceiving, that makes such distorted and false emotions seem inviting, liberating and true. In hindsight – if you’re lucky enough to be allowed a hindsight – death is almost never a true solution.
In reality, death is not attractive. Death is ugly. It is only your depression that falsely makes death look less repulsive than life.
Maybe our suicide prevention initiatives still are just a little too gentle, too friendly. Sometimes I think we should do more to make suicidal people come to their senses.
Maybe we should try to unmask this seductive, false attraction of death in their minds with a little more brute force and directness. Maybe sometimes we should try to reinstall some natural, healthy fear and revulsion in depressed minds. By brusquely ripping away those seemingly elegant veils of that Death Dancer and exposing it for what it really is. Not a solution, not some kind of friend, no liberation, but a disaster. For you and for all the others in your life.
Do you really want to reduce yourself forever to some gray crumbling bones in a moldy damp coffin? Do you really want your family to stand shedding tears at your grave, and to keep crying for years to come?
These are the kind of things that perhaps we should drive home with a little more force, appealing to both primordial fears and leftover responsibility notions, hammering them through the distorting shield of depression that prevents people from facing such questions clearly.
This is of course just a personal, intuitive thought. I can imagine that professional psychologists and psychiatrists may see reasons to dismiss such a harsh “discouraging strategy” immediately. And I can also imagine that my reaction here may have been colored too much by my own personal experiences.
• tip:force yourself to call someone to help you if you feel suicidal. Try to do so especially if you feel a phone call will be pointless. For it is exactly that feeling that indicates you’re in the danger zone.
More in general, even though you may feel essentially alone and unable to communicate in your depression, still try and allow other people to keep in touch with you.
• note 1: If you think you saw this before, you’re right. This is a partial repost of Anti-Suicide App: Limited Solution.
It’s not my habit to repost things. But I felt this topic deserved a little more attention than being buried (pun not intended) within a post that was primarily about an anti-suicide phone app.
• note 2: Picture at the top: 3500-years-old golden Greek death mask, formerly believed to be of the mythical hero Agamemnon. It was found in 1876 in Mycene, over the skull of a dead warrior, and is now in the National Archaeological Museum, Athens.
Life itself is already a kind of battle for many of us. But for those whose life has been shattered by actual battle, this applies in a very substantial way.
Army veterans often fall victim to the particular kind of suicidal depression that is rooted in deeply traumatizing events.* According to the US Department of Defense, every day 18 American veterans commit suicide. From all sides, people are trying to do something to stop this horrible trend.
Last week, an organization (Military Community Awareness) released a free iPhone/Android app: “Operation Reach Out, a smartphone app aimed at preventing suicide among military personnel and veterans”. For a full description, see the the project launch page.
Here, I want to take a look at this from a more general perspective. To what extent might such a phone app actually help prevent suicide among severely depressed people? Could we all benefit from a phone app like that?
The app (pictured above) aims not just at depressed, possibly suicidal people themselves but also at others (family, friends, co-workers in the army) who feel concerned about them.
It offers three main functions. (1) A Help Center that comes pre-programmed with immediate access to suicide prevention hotlines, and can be customized by adding personal crisis phone numbers. (2) A series of “video vignettes” giving a variety of supportive information, meant to clarify and change the outlook of people contemplating suicide. (3) A similar series of brief videos for the others concerned, with many practical tips for how to recognize and address suicidal tendencies in a person close to you.
In the online presentation, all this looks well thought-out, easy-to-use and to-the-point. Judging from the examples, the video information offers really valuable and important pieces of information. It tries to convince the suicidal person that his problems can be treated, that there really are alternative solutions, and that suicidal crises are almost always temporary.
I noticed only one small item that I found a little doubtful: they also try to convince suicidal people that “your problems are rarely as great as they appear”. This, in my view, amounts to downplaying the depressed person’s actual problems. Believe me, if deeply depressed thoughts keep haunting your mind, if you have come down far enough to seriously contemplate suicide, then basically your problem always is as great as it appears! If someone tries to convince you otherwise, it only shows that apparently, that person has never experienced a real depression herself… But for the rest, maybe these videos can be really helpful.
As for the Help Center, a ready-made app can certainly be very handy. In fact we can of course all do something similar ourselves, with a little more trouble but without the need for installing an app. Take a few minutes to find some adequate help line numbers, save them in your contacts list, and put such a hotline number in a prominent one-touch shortcut on your phone’s main screen.
If you’ve not done that yet, it makes sense to do so right away. In my own phone, I have several people listed I can call at any time, should I get into a crisis.
Unfortunately, nothing of this solves the one huge question. When you’re on the verge of suicide, will you actually get yourself to call someone for help? Frankly, I think that in many cases, this remains a serious matter of doubt. I fear that even the best suicide prevention experts do not always fully grasp how very attractive, seductive a suicide decision can feel. Attractive enough, in fact, to think you don’t need any help. Let me illustrate this with a part of my own story. Be warned: this is going to be rather personal.
(Death Seductiveness & Phone Disregard)
Two years ago, I tried to kill myself for the second time. Unlike the first time some years before, my depression was also trauma-related. One of my very best friends, who suffered from bipolar depression, had hung herself a few months before. So on top of my habitual depressions, I felt not just an unbearable loss and disorientation, but also intense guilt for not having seen it coming, for not having been able to help her. I suppose that I also developed a subconscious longing to follow her, to join her, to be her companion in death.
In all, probably my feelings were not very different from what a traumatized soldier may feel after having lost a true comrade on the battlefield.
In the weeks when I was still pondering my decision, I – unwisely – saw no need to bother anyone with what I thought were my own personal feelings. I really felt this was something I had to find a way out for myself, because no one else could feel or share the utter desperation I felt at the time. Therefore I thought that trying to discuss it with others would be asking far too much from them (burdening them with troubles they wouldn’t even understand) and at the same time I assumed that their advice would be completely irrelevant and useless to me.
Death, in my muddled state, became some kind of masked ghost continuously dancing through my mind, threatening but also, I don’t know how to put this, elegant in its finality. A dancing, recurring ghost that at first was still surely fearsome but became ever more charming, alluring, enticing, seducing, promising. To say this in a weird way: almost sexy. Gradually, I got convinced that Death now was a friend. The only one left who could help me.
Once I had decided I would indeed kill myself, my tormented mood changed into one of strange peace, calm, and resolution. In that state, I gave not a single thought to the possibility of asking someone for help or advice. I no longer needed help of whatever kind. Why should I call others to tell them I was going to do what I was going to do anyway? I wanted and longed to do it, to meet my friend Death, and I did not want anyone to interfere with that.
So in spite of me having the numbers ready for use in my phone, during the entire process I simply did not see the need to call anyone, to ask someone for help. After my decision I got myself a stack of tranquillizers, a dose that according to online info should be lethal. I sat down, thought carefully about my decision one more time, overcame my last shiver of fear, and resolutely washed down the pills with whiskey and beer.
I confess I will never forget the immense relief once this was done, the acceptance and almost happy ease of letting-go, the great peacefulness of those last moments before gliding away into what I thought would be irreversible and eternal unconsciousness. It finally was out of my hands. I would feel no more. Be no more.
When in the next days, slowly and very confused, I came to in the hospital it turned out that a friend – not Death but a real friend – had found me in coma on the floor and had me rushed to the emergency unit. Later on, people told me that the first thing I asked for when I got back my voice, was a cigarette.
The point is this. Would it have made any difference if I had had an Anti-Suicide App on my phone? I think you can guess my answer. No. Not at all, I’m afraid. I simply would not have accepted, not even recognized or seen, the need to use my phone.
Of course now I know I was just plain stupid. Blind to reality. Dizzied by compulsive thoughts. Unfortunately, this is what deep depression in many people will do.
I want to make very clear that all this certainty of mind, this relief, this peacefulness I told about, was nothing but a form of treacherous self-deception. It is the narrow, strong, compulsive focus of deep depression that cruelly lures us into this kind of self-deceiving, that makes such distorted and false emotions seem inviting, liberating and true. In hindsight – if you’re lucky enough to be allowed a hindsight – death is almost never a true solution. In reality, death is not attractive. Death is ugly. It is only your depression that falsely makes death look less repulsive than life.
I also want to make clear that I didn’t mean to say an Anti-Suicide App like this one is worthless. Far from it. I sincerely hope it will help some people, and if not directly then at least indirectly – by helping others to better handle the situation of their loved ones.
I only wanted to point out that any Anti-Suicide App will always be a limited solution. Limited, because by definition an app can do little to unmask this false, deceptive attractiveness of death that may prevent suicidal people from using that same app in the first place.
Maybe our suicide prevention initiatives still are just a little too gentle, too friendly. Sometimes I think we should do more to make suicidal people come to their senses. Maybe we should try to unmask this seductive, false attraction of death in their minds with a little more brute force and directness. Maybe sometimes we should try to reinstall some natural, healthy fear and revulsion in depressed minds. By brusquely ripping away those seemingly elegant veils of that Death Dancer and exposing it for what it really is. Not a solution, not some kind of friend, no liberation, but a disaster. For you and for all the others in your life.
Do you really want to reduce yourself forever to some gray crumbling bones in a moldy damp coffin? Do you really want your family to stand shedding tears at your grave, and to keep crying for years to come?
Maybe these are the kind of things we should drive home with a little more force, appealing to both primordial fears and leftover responsibility notions, hammering them through the distorting shield of depression that prevents people from facing such questions clearly.
This is of course just a personal, intuitive thought. I can imagine that professional psychologists and psychiatrists may see reasons to dismiss such a harsh “discouraging strategy” immediately. And I can also imagine that my reaction here may have been colored too much by my own personal experiences.
Meanwhile, I hope the US Army’s Anti-Suicide App will achieve the most one can expect from it: a modest success.
• tip: Whether you have an Anti-Suicide App on your phone or not, do force yourself to call someone to help you if you feel suicidal. Save some numbers in your phone, ready for use. Try making a call even, yes especially, if you feel no one can help you anymore and a phone call will be useless. For if you begin to feel that making any call is useless, this indicates you’re getting in the danger zone.
More in general, even though you may feel essentially alone and unable to communicate in your depression, still try and allow other people to keep in touch with you.
*footnote: As a Dutchman, I can tell my American friends that Dutch army veterans have had similar problems. In 1995 Dutch UN troops, stationed in war-ridden Bosnia, proved unable to prevent the Srebrenica massacre. Right before the soldiers’ eyes, over 8,000 Bosnian civilians were systematically killed. Many of the Dutch came back home traumatized and depressed.
June 18, 1924 –
Today just a random example of death by depression: Reuben Wanamaker (57), who since 1913 had been a judge in the state of Ohio's Supreme Court.
Wanamaker had sought medical treatment for severe depression since 1923, which had not helped him (remember, modern antidepressant medication did not yet exist).
On June 18th, six days after entering the Columbus Mount Carmel hospital in a bid to have his depression treated more effectively, Wanamaker killed himself by jumping from a fourth story hospital window.
This case illustrates one of my own strong impressions that may still be valid today: when hospitalizing depression patients, the suicide risk appears to peak in the very first week after admission to the clinic.
For the very latest online news items about depression, try the daily listings at
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