Please, first of all let me make two things very clear.

1. This page is not meant to advocate suicide. Obviously, one of the intentions of this entire site is to help you avoid suicide: to consider alternative ways out of your depression.

2. This page is not about how to kill yourself. I don’t want to discuss actual suicide methods in any way, because to me that would simply feel wrong. Sorry. That’s how it is.

So why this page?

In my personal opinion, when you keep suffering terribly and in the long run nothing helps, in the end – after serious consideration, and only after having exhausted all possible kinds of professional help and advice – we do have the right to end our own life.

But this right comes with an obligation: if you really are sure that suicide is the only option left, you should still proceed in a careful, responsible manner. Please let me explain.

The One Suicide Rule

If you really see no option other than killing yourself, there is one essential Suicide Rule. In every way, you are obliged to:

 Plan and prepare your death in a way that
 seems not just best for yourself, but will also
 be the least damaging or traumatic for others.


Meaning? When imagining what your suicide may do to others, you need to focus on these five main points:

1. Kill no one but yourself
Avoid killing or maiming other people. You don’t have the right to take someone else’s life along with your own, so you should avoid any risk of doing just that.
    For example, you should not kill yourself by causing a huge gas explosion in your apartment, with the risk of killing your neighbors as well.
    And you should not kill yourself by letting your car swerve into a high-speed frontal collusion, probably killing the people in the other car too.
    Such “methods” are simply out of the question. You cannot do such a thing.
2. Don’t traumatize strangers
Avoid seriously traumatizing random other people. You don’t have that right, either.
    For example, you should not kill yourself by jumping in front of a train, forcing the train driver to run over you and leaving him with your bloody remains. Many train drivers remain traumatized by such an event.
    Basically, you should not kill yourself where bystanders may see you die. Another example is jumping from the tenth floor at a place where some innocent people on the sidewalk will helplessly witness your smash to death. There might even be children among them. Again, you don’t have the right to do that to them.
3. Minimize the trauma for family and friends
Your family and friends will probably be traumatized by your suicide anyway. But make sure you don’t make things needlessly hard for them.
    For example, you should not kill yourself in some remote spot deep in the woods: forcing them to frantically keep searching for you for weeks or months, until they either have to give up, or finally stumble onto your already badly decomposed remains.
    More in general, you should avoid confronting your family and friends with some horrible bloody mangled mess: try to choose a suicide method that allows them to part from you in a somewhat more peaceful, more dignified way.
    The one unavoidable mess is of course that someone will have to find your lifeless body. So do think carefully about who you should find you, and where: this should be part of your planning.
4. Organize things that may be needed after your death
Because your family and friends may be traumatized by your suicide anyway, you should try at least to make practical things just a little bit easier for them.
    Spare them unnecessary hurdles and queries: make sure they can find all the items they may really need to access after your death – such as your will, your keys, your computer password, your smartphone or your address book, your insurance policies, your bank accounts, etc.
    Carefully collect such things and leave them all together in one obvious place, on your table or desk.
5. Write a clear suicide note
Don’t saddle your family or friends with gnawing, unanswered questions. Try to mitigate their almost inevitable feelings of guilt. This means you need to write them a clear and adequate suicide note.

Writing a Suicide Note

Your suicide note should be a honest, clear, explaining farewell letter to your family, friends, work partners, or any other people close to you. Don’t leave them for the rest of their lives with unanswerable questions, horrible conjectures, and tormenting feelings of guilt – which is exactly what will happen if you don’t leave them a letter clearly explaining yourself.

    I do know, because I myself once lost a sister and recently a very good friend, who both killed themselves without leaving a message.

    This farewell letter is something you write not for yourself, but for the people who will be confronted with your death. The people who will have to face the consequences (both the emotional and practical consequences) of your decision to kill yourself.

So your note should in the first place be helpful to them. Try to write down the following things:

 1. At the top of your note, address all the people who you want to read it, the people you’re writing it for. Just to make sure that everyone you want to, will indeed get to read it. It also will help them to understand that you were thinking of them when you wrote your letter.
 2. Explain to them you’ve thought about your decision carefully, and exactly why you want to die. Why you think death is best for you. So they won’t have to make wild, desperate guesses about your reasons.
 3. List all the alternative solutions (therapies etc) that you tried first, and explain to them why all those things didn’t work for you. So they will understand your decision was not a sudden stupid impulse.
 4. Explain to them this is your own decision and your own responsibility: make clear that it’s absolutely not their fault. So you won’t saddle them with feelings of guilt for the rest of their lives.
 5. Explain to them why your chose your suicide method (poison, gunshot, hanging, whatever). If necessary, say sorry for the mess you may be causing. So they’ll understand, and not keep guessing about that.
 6. For each of your suicide note readers, mention something personal: something good, something you liked, some nice memory – something like that. So they’ll know you loved them, not hated them.
 7. If you want to leave some of your possessions to someone specifically, list them, even trivial items. So they won’t have to argue later about who should have what. If you don’t mind at all what they do with your things, state that clearly.
 8. List everything you want to be done after your death, and especially what kind of funeral you would prefer (service preferences? cremation? etc). Maybe you should indicate some preference here even if actually you don’t mind. So they won’t have to waste time guessing how you “would have wanted it”.
 9. End your note with something personal to show them you’ll be calm and relieved to die. So they won’t be left with the nasty impression that you died in terrible fear, sheer panic and horrible pain.
10. Think extra carefully about your last words: the words concluding your note. These will be very literally your last words to the others: the words they may never forget. The words that may come back to them years from now, when they wake up in the middle of the night. Make sure that those words will not hurt.

Of course there’s more to say about all this, but basically this is it. Take your time writing that letter.

    Writing it will also offer you one more good opportunity to review your situation, reasons and motives in a clear and systematic way. Writing that letter can help you to carefully reconsider your decision one more time.

    Even when death looks like the only solution left, life may still turn out to be a better option – given some time and effort. Don’t give up on yourself. Just try to try. One more time. Like I am trying here, too.

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59 Responses to “Suicide Preparation”

  1. 1 Kathleen Jun 27, 2013 at 11:07

    Thank you for sharing such an important topic and treating it with respect. May you live a very long life free of demons yourself so that you can continue to provide valuable advice and a venue for those feeling hopeless that come upon your posts to find a way to live another day and choose life.

  2. 2 Pradeep Aug 25, 2013 at 14:34

    how to camet painless suicide.

    • 3 Henk van Setten Aug 25, 2013 at 18:18

      Dear Pradeep, I understand what kind of information you are seeking. I am sorry that I must disappoint you.
      As I explained above, yes, in the end I can respect and accept other people’s decision to commit suicide. I think my “tolerant” attitude stems primarily from the fact that I myself have twice made the decision to kill myself. Both times I survived by a coincidence (and in hindsight, I’m glad I did).
      This means I truly can understand your plight. I can almost feel what you may be feeling right now. And besides, I do not like to preach in that moralistic, patronizing way that is typical for so many depression websites. So I’m not going to try to talk people out of it.
      But… this page is in fact focused on easing the burden for all those other people who will survive you, by thinking in advance about their plight (instead of focusing solely on your own). Both a sister and a good friend of mine did kill themselves in what I think was a suicidal impulse. They left this world without much preparation, without even leaving a brief note, without considering what this might mean to others. For those who came to stand at their grave (including me) this made it more difficult to accept and understand what had happened, and why. It added some extra burdens to a course of events that already was traumatizing by itself.
      So this page is about preparing suicide in such a way that your decision will be a little less traumatic to other people. It is not meant to make suicide easier or less painful for yourself.
      The latter would mean discussing, and perhaps giving advice on, various methods to commit suicide. I am afraid that such a thing, which would amount to practical suicide assistance, is “a bridge to far” for me. Morally and emotionally, I just cannot bring myself to tell others what I think would be the most easy or most painless way to kill themselves.
      So I really, really regret having to say this: in this respect, you’re on your own. If you do some thorough searching, you will find there are a few websites (and books) that try to give the kind of advice that I cannot give you.
      Anyway I do hope this page will have helped you a little to think about the consequences of suicide in a more coherent way, to avoid your doing something impulsive that would have been extra hurtful to others.
      Please try to understand my position here, like I try to understand yours. I wish you, at the very least, full clarity of mind.

  3. 4 dan Nov 29, 2013 at 04:06

    thank you for your help, i am writeing a long note

    • 5 Henk van Setten Nov 29, 2013 at 21:47

      Of course I hope, Dan, that writing such a long note will also help you to re-think a few things. If it doesn’t help you in that way, then you can at least (weird as this may sound to you right now) feel a little proud of yourself, knowing that by writing that note you’ve really done your best to ease the burden for you family and friends.
      For the rest, I wish to you what I wish I had had a bit more myself when I tried to kill myself: presence of mind. Try to not let your emotions overwhelm you. Strong emotions are not necessarily wrong, I know they surely can be true, but I also know that even then they often make only half the truth. Our problem is that usually, it takes a bit longer before we see the other half…

  4. 6 Lynda Dec 20, 2013 at 17:57

    I am being illegally evicted from a house I have moved into 8 days ago. The man who took on the role of my cognitvely impaired daughter, upon realising my situation, went to the trouble of blocking my email address, and blocking all forms of communication. I am 51 years old and my daughter is 20. I was burgled after three days of being in this house as the owners did not provide keys. (They certainly took the rent). My daughters father is an alcoholic, has wet brain syndrome and it simply being nasty. Whilst I agree that writing a note to save my daughter the distress is the right thing to do,my suicide could have been avoided, if this man had not taken this route and cut off all communication. He has called me stupid and crazy for years but entrusts me to fix his tax problems etc. I see no reason why I should protect him. I will defintely leave a suicide note for him, telling him how he has destroyed me bit by bit over the past seventeen years. I want to drive him off his head but I also know that it wont even make a dent in his thick skull. I am going the hanging route which I will carry out the day before Xmas.

    • 7 Henk van Setten Dec 20, 2013 at 21:40

      Dear Lynda, please allow me two questions. Three, now that I think about it. I understand your life right now is a mess, and that you (perhaps rightly) blame others for this. I’m not going to judge you or your decision in any way. Still, in my own mind I cannot help wondering about these questions:
      (1) Do you feel that resentment, and maybe even some kind of desire to take revenge (as I feel you expressed in what you wrote) are good motives for taking your own life? Isn’t this price a little high for what you will actually get for it?
      (2) This insensitive man with his thick skull, if you kill yourself, you certainly will be remembered by him. But exactly how would you like to be remembered by him? By giving him the satisfaction of confirming his own prejudices about you?
      (3) Have you tried to make some arrangements to ensure that after your sudden death, your daughter will (in one way or another) be properly cared for?

      You must do whatever you think is best for everyone, but I hope that in the process of deciding, you gave or will give some serious thought to this kind of important and inevitable questions.
      Of course I hope you and your daughter will be able to enjoy some sunshine in the summer of 2014 together. I won’t and cannot pray for you: as a non-religious person, I believe we each need to do a few little things by ourselves (instead of praying for miracles). You have the right to give up on yourself — just make sure you don’t do that too soon.

  5. 8 Anthony Feb 8, 2014 at 06:25

    You know, it’s like I lived my entire life preparing for this. I don’t know what it means to be happy. I have never been wanted by anyone, my mom allowed her Meth addicted husband to beat me on a daily basis. My heroin addicted dad was to busy going in and out of prison to really care what happened to me, I managed not to see him again after I turned 3 and seeing how he died last year I guess I wont ever see him. I could actually deal with the abuse ok though, I think it’s being dressed in panties and bras and photographed is what really did it for me(I’m a guy by the way). Then after daily beatings for my stepdad thinking I’m going to grow up to be a “faget” of course I’m realizing I’m gay. All these memories and problems and still being stuck in proverty, all this wrong with me could possi bly be helped. Honestly I don’t feel worth helping though. I’m a fat lazy pothead working at a pizza place going nowhere in life. I don’t think anyone will care if I’m gone, my friends stopped talking to me after graduation (I’m 19) I’m single (closeted homosexual at that) living with my overly religious uncle and his family who donotcondone homosexuallity. But I guess what I’m trying to say is I simply don’t have a reason to live, so hopefully I’m successful.wish me

  6. 9 Anthony Feb 8, 2014 at 06:26

    Was going to say wish me luck and thank you for reading my rant, story. I thought it would be nice for someone to pay me some kind of attention

    • 10 mick Jun 29, 2014 at 03:03

      People are fucked man i know exvactly how u feel and have met others who feel the same way, chin up man i hope your still with us :)

  7. 11 Henk van Setten Feb 8, 2014 at 14:08

    Hi Anthony,
    Your comment makes clear to me that you probably are a typical case of “cluster problems”, meaning that you have several problems at the same time, that together can form one big problem-chunk that seems impossible to overcome. In such a situation it often may help to try and tackle the partial problems one-at-a-time, instead of all together.

    In your case (judging from what you write, obviously I cannot really “diagnose” you on that narrow basis) I see at least 6 different problems clustered together:

    1) a rough, possibly traumatizing youth;
    2) homosexuality in an environment that makes it hard to “come out”;
    3) lack of a satisfying/promising job perspective;
    4) probably also feelings of loneliness, lack of contacts;
    5) suicidal thoughts (otherwise you wouldn’t have landed on this page);
    6) most important, I think: a consistently too-low degree of self-esteem.

    Possibly problem 6 (your thinking way too negative about yourself) is what makes it difficult or even impossible for you to solve any of the other problems.

    What I myself would advise in your case, is joining a depression contact- and self-help group. By this I mean not an online group (although that may help, too) but if possible, a real group of real people who actually meet in some place to talk together about each other’s problems, once a week or twice a month.

    Such a group can help you see that you’re really not a worthless kind of person; it can help you feel less lonely by making you see that there are other other people who face similar problems; it can offer you some practical handles for solving some of your problems; it may even help you through your helping other people in the group.

    Here are two sites that can help you to find a depression self-help group that (hopefully) is somewhere near you:
    - in England:
    - in the USA:

    See if you can give this a try! Only if there’s no such group anywhere within a reasonable distance from where you live, then you should try some of the other solutions – like online depression self-help groups. For a list of some of those, see (I especially recommend Depression Forums, where you can register as a member for free).

    Don’t expect (or strive for) too much radical change all at once: big changes often can be realized best by making many little steps, not by making one big jump… Once you’ve made one little step on the way up, you will feel good for having made that step: and this feeling-good can give you the energy to make a next little step, and so on.

    I hope my suggestions will help you, and I do wish you success in gradually finding a way to a more happy life.

  8. 12 Matthew Feb 11, 2014 at 05:18

    I suppose a thank you is order. Reading this page and all the comments, was distraction enough, to calm down and temporarily suppress how I am feeling. I’m not going to discuss the things I was thinking about, in such a public way. I’ve been told by my GP; to expect a letter, with an appointment to see a counselor. Just hope I get this appointment before the feelings surface again.

    • 13 Henk van Setten Feb 14, 2014 at 16:19

      Thank you for the thank you… I hope your appointment will get you exactly the kind of help you need. And, of course, that in due course the help will help, but the first thing is most important now I guess. Sometimes people end up with the wrong kind of help simply because they don’t dare (and dangerously postpone) to clearly state what they think they actually need. So, I wish you all the courage end honesty you might need in finding the right kind of therapy and the right person(s) to help you.

      • 14 The Nixon Administration Jul 25, 2014 at 21:32

        I don’t want to make things worse , but that appointment will never happen. I had the exact same experience; 12 weeks later, I got a letter saying I’d been removed from the waiting list because I’d been on it for the maximum 12 weeks. I booked an appointment with my GP but walked out of the waiting room after hanging around for an hour. Don’t know how long I can keep putting off the inevitable while the NHS gets its shit together, but relying on it is a bad, bad idea.

  9. 15 parentingguru Apr 21, 2014 at 17:35

    Had the biggest fight with my mom today and what she said opened up painful emotional wounds that took a lifetime to heal. My mother had me when she was 17 and my real dad abandoned us. We struggled to get by daily, resorting to drinking tea or water if there was no food. My grandpa used to abuse me emotionally and physically. Even though we had good memories The fact that he once pointed a gun at me, pulled the trigger and when I dived out of the way, he laughed just because the magazine was empty and strangled me with a belt to impress his friends, starved me and my cousins if we didn’t work, once burnt us with an iron, doesn’t make them overshadow all the bad he has done… He did so many horrible things some I don’t even remember. He did worse to my mom. I spent 16 years of my life trying to get over the fact I was a mistake that ruined my mom’s life. Did my utmost best not to disappoint her in a big way which I managed to do. Through those years I had to battle with severe depression, losing my step grandma, lost a close friend in primary school. Everyone in my family doesn’t seem to care as they kept defending my grandpa. My mom isn’t appreciative, she is a good mother no doubt but at some cases I’m her punching and she’s a perfectionist. Nothing I ever do is enough. Today we fought over dishes who should wash them she asked me to do it. I dozed off and I woke up late. I apologised and said I’ll do them now but it wasn’t enough she ended up making me feel worthless and useless as I’ll ever be. We ended up saying horrible things to each. I retaliated because she mentioned things that didn’t even concern the argument. She doesn’t care… And today I realised something that I’ll always lack something in her eyes…. She will always find fault in whatever I do for her and I won’t forget what she said to me today. My stepdad was trying to keep the peace but he became unsuccessful. He has begged me to stay but I cant and he’s sad that I told my ma that its better I leave and she can adopt the perfect son…. We decided that I’ll call the pathetic excuse of a man called my real dad and me, and him will workout some sort of an agreement. That he pays for my accommodation and I work for him to repay the debt or something of that sort. Then I realised its a bad idea because it will just bring more trouble. I know my grandparents will be called and they will side with my mom and I’ll be labelled as the black sheep of the family as I have always been, just because I stood my ground. I really can’t take that anymore … Its been going on for years now and now I’m certain that even though I have done my utmost best to be the best child I can be to my mother it won’t be enough. She will always find a fault in whatever I do good and bad. If its not up to her peak, it’s unacceptable. So iv decided to kill myself today, I have my doubts and fears but I think this is the best solution. I have no where to go and I feel nothing will change. I hope my death can change my mother’s perspective on how she views things, it can’t always go her way and people do make mistakes just like she does too. I wrapped an electrical chord on my neck, the pain was there but iv never felt so liberated in my life, as I tightened it I felt…. Free. The pain wasn’t there and I ddnt even choke. I told my very loving and supportive girlfriend. She is devastated and I really really feel bad deep down inside. She has been calling me non stop to change my mind. I really feel like this is it. I actually care what happens next after death but at this point it doesn’t matter… I just hope the hanging method is quick and I don’t get to rethink my decision…. While I hang I’m going hold on to the tie I used to wear in primary school… Its the only time in my life whereby I was entirely happy… It will give me abit of relief. Iv read all the stories here and I’m really sorry that each and everyone of yall here experienced what yall have experienced. I hope somehow yall may reconsider yall’s decisions and give life another chance. Iv done so many times and It didn’t work out. I ran a good race, 21 years and good luck to the rest of yall. God bless

    • 16 Henk van Setten Apr 22, 2014 at 13:13

      Dear whatever-your-name-is,
      I think I understand at least part of your troubles in having a bad relationship with your mother, where she may never have wanted you as a child. What I do not understand is why this should be a reason to kill yourself.
      You are 21, so you’re not a child anymore but a grown-up near-adult personality who shouldn’t be emotionally (or in other ways) this dependent from your family anymore. If you feel your family situation is really unbearable, then you should indeed leave and find yourself a job and another place to live. Maybe for the first year you’ll have to scrub toilets for a living (or something like that) but you’ll have the satisfaction of making your own life without being bullied by your mother. That satisfaction can be the basis for building more self-respect and, eventually, a better life.
      Your suicide would solve nothing. You say you hope your death can change your mother’s perspective, but what would that matter to you? You would be dead, so you wouldn’t even see if your mother will change… Are you sure that at the bottom of your suicide wish there isn’t actually some desire to take revenge on your mother? That would be another bad motive…
      Start shaping your own life, independently, however hard it will be in the beginning. Then, eventually, your success may demonstrate to your mother that she was underestimating you. Or, alternatively, your success may make your mother’s opinions completely irrelevant to you…
      So please, be aware there’s just a conflict that (if it has proven to be unsolvable) you should walk away from. You say you have nowhere to go, but is that really true? Take you responsibility as an independent adult, instead of complaining like an unaccepted child. You may be both at this time, but you should focus on the first part of your personality, not the second part.
      OK, sorry if I’m reacting a little harshly here, but I really do think that you should create better options for yourself — instead of killing yourself over feeling an unwanted child. You’ve got an entire life ahead of you. Try to make something of it all by yourself!
      Wishing you strength and creativity in the beginning, and some unexpected happiness as a reward in the end,

  10. 17 Alexander May 5, 2014 at 04:56

    I’m just going to keep this short.
    I have done things I’m not entirely proud of in my lifetime, Assault, Mugging, Armed Robbery, etc. My Family is pretty much all dead, all I have is my Dad he treats me well, though he has alcoholism and is addicted to Cigarettes. My Closet Friend Kody was murdered, Four Minutes before I arrived at his house. My Girlfriend called me a liar… said I killed him, called me an idiot. She killed him, and was sentenced to Life in Prison. Thus making me all alone. I literally am afraid of isolation… When I go to school, I’m bullied to shit. And then it happens. I wrote a suicide letter, but some asshole reads and points at me and laughs, “You fucking emo!” I stabbed a pencil into my hand, and cut a vain, I survived by sheer fucking bad luck. And I am making my second Suicide Note. I don’t want to die, I need to die. My Dad is the ONLY person that cares. I told him about my choice and said he respects my reasoning, and he wanted me to take responsibility on this choice. I’m most likely going through with it.

    • 18 Henk van Setten May 11, 2014 at 11:59

      Alexander, you made it clear that you have to cope with a lot of tragedy in your life.
      I think however that maybe you ought to try to be a bit less impulsive and a bit more rational in considering alternative solutions first, before doing something irreversible.
      Maybe you should ask your dad to help you make a new start, somehow, somewhere?
      I can understand when people WANT to die (I’ve been through that myself) but I think it might be just a kind of incomplete judgment when you feel you NEED to die.
      I’d say you need to make a fresh start, not to die.

  11. 19 2fourk May 12, 2014 at 21:13

    Henk, thank you for writing this page, i was just contemplating suicide, but could not work out a way to avoid someone having to find me. I don’t want to cause anyone any trauma.

    Reading this made it feel more real, thinking about my final words, my one last chance to leave something positive from my life, but I’ll just die and be forgotten, I’ll be forgotten in 2-3 years without a trace, I have no strong connections, a lot of shallow connections, I don’t fit in any where. I’m a failure. But I don’t want to hurt anyone with my death, I don’t want to try and manipulate with an attempted suicide.

    Get busy living or get busy dying, I have no excuse to die, I got to give it one more shot, maybe that’s what life is just constantly picking yourself up for that one more shot. Once more to the breach….

  12. 21 Nienna May 16, 2014 at 08:19

    I’m 31… suspected Asperger’s syndrome but the diagnosis costs $3,000… and a complete failure. I haven’t made it in life. I am married, but to a mentally ill man and we live on his disability check of around $700 a month. Frankly put he is a drain on me and I can’t find a way out as I am sure that if I leave he will kill himself. An if I leave I will be homeless as he is not actually abusive. My family turned their backs on me when I married him ad they will not take me back, the women’s shelter will only take me if he is physically abusive, which he is not. I have no friends, no insurance that will cover counseling, and no oney. In my teens I survived FOUR suicide attempts thanks to my meddlesome family, who did not care about me getting an education, only that I continue to betheir little house slave.

    Frankly put, there is nobody in my life who would care if I died. The only thing keeping me here is that if I kill myself and my husband follows then our cats will starve or if found, be put down because nobody adopts cats where I live.

    I have no way of getting help, living in a rural area, and no friends, and no longer know what to do…

    • 22 Henk van Setten May 16, 2014 at 20:23

      Nienna, I feel sorry for you in your problematic situation. The only advice I can give you right now is this: do not keep focusing on your big problems but try focusing on some smaller problems instead, “small” meaning specific well-defined problems that may be solvable with a little effort.
      Like, maybe you could find some simple kind of volunteer job to do for a couple of days a week? Or start jogging for half an hour a day? Or finally paint that musty wall? etc. etc.

      Any specific problem that you manage to solve, even if only partially, will boost your self-confidence and give you energy to tackle another small problem. Solving some small problems may make your big problems feel a little less important, even if those big problems won’t go away.

      And whatever you do, don’t set your goals to high! Many people think they’re a failure not because they are a failure, but only because they kept focusing on too-high-set goals instead of refocusing on some less ambitious, more realistic goals.

  13. 23 Dawn Jun 14, 2014 at 08:17

    I believe this article is well needed for someone contemplating sucide, naturally the author does not advocate suicide, that is written through out, but some one takes their own life ever 15 minutes in the US. The people they leave behind suffer for their entire lives of trying to understand, accept and try to block out the visuals of the sucicide of their loved ones. Yes there are better options, life is precious, but if one is really determined they will do it, and what this article gives is help for the survivors of the sucide. The survivors don’t ask to be put into this mess, and without a doubt the person taking their life doesn’t want to have their loved ones suffer for the rest of their lives. Bravo to the letter, I believe that would give then a second chance to rethink their decisions and realize that maybe there are other options. Bottomline, if they are determined to take their lives they will, but with this they can spare their family and friends a life time of unanswered questions, guilt and pain

  14. 24 just some guy Jun 28, 2014 at 16:41

    This is the first helpful web site I’ve read on the subject. I’ve been suicidal for most of the last twenty two years (I’ll be twenty nine at the end of this year) and been researching the subject for several months. The first time I knew I wanted to die I was six. Whether it’s emotional, clinical depression or actually logic based is something I’ve never been able to figure out. Truthfully, it feels logic based, I tire of going through the monotony of daily living. Wake up, breathe, eat, sleep, repeat. One can fill ones life with all the variety the earth has to offer and experience only temporary satisfaction. One can experience the greatest feeling possible in connecting with and loving another person and then experience the worst feeling possible when betrayed and lied to by that same person. The universe is a spectacular place abundantly rife with beautiful form and function, from the chaotic bubbling cauldron on the surface of a star and the precision of necleosynthesis at its core, to the perfectly defined and exact motion of the atoms in your DNA to produce laser light, the myriad of emotional content produced by nueropeptides, the gloriously ordered display of a rainbow born from a haphazard spray of random wavelengths of light, the electrically charged feeling of kissing someone for the first time, the depths of depression knowable when love is lost… I have a deep, profound appreciation for physical reality and what it’s capable of. My disdain comes from living. I do not want to participate. The sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, jealousy, and hate that I feel is typically unwarranted and attempting to decipher why I feel the ways I do has become tedious and tiresome. I only stay here to spare my loved ones the pain of separation, or on some days purely out of curiosity. For instance, my most recent excuse for not leaving yet is as follows: the New Horizon satellite will arrive at Pluto next year about this time and to see the pictures and data will be, well, divinely revealing. For me, akin to seeing a long-time crush naked for the first time. But I am tired, and using excuses is getting worn. I don’t imagine my desire to spare my family and dwindling few friends will remain steadfast for very long. And of course, I can’t help but wonder if it’s more selfish for them to want me to stay or for me to want to leave. Unanswerable. In any event, this is not a choice I’ve made hastily or without forethought. This is not a conclusion I’ve come to based on any fleeting emotion. Death is what I want. At least, I don’t want to be here any more. There are so many theories about what waits on the other side of the curtain of death. It is slightly unnerving, but simultaneously very exciting. The last great adventure. As previously stated, I’m planning on leaving after about another year, but I’ve no idea what the future holds and if I find a motivation to stay I won’t deny myself an extended pause to consider what I’m potentially abandoning. No one act or single event will drive me to suicide: this is something I have always known was coming, and have been preparing myself for since I first realized what these thoughts and emotions meant. Death by my own hand. I love the universe for what it is, but I don’t need to be here for it to continue functioning. Life will go on, and when there’s no more life the universe will hardly notice. I have served my purpose. Simply having come to this little planet and exchanging energy is the only responsibility any of us takes on upon arrival here. So go forth into the world and see all of its splendor. When you do decide to take that final step into uncharted territory go without regret or fear. Nothingness gave form to the reality we live in, and in time all things will return to nothingness. Don’t be afraid, embrace death and darkness, your true grandmother, the mother of reality, and go lovingly with her. This is not an attempt to encourage or drive anyone to suicide, nor is it an attempt to stop anyone. I simply mean to promote foresight for those considering suicide, and insight into the mind of the suicidal for those of you who have lost someone like me. And, my last hope, to dispel the fear associated with all of this: God isn’t judging anyone. We are God. The God I serve, granted it’s not just a hallucination, is simply the force of nature that gave rise to all things. The potential that allows existence to be. The only rules God has given us are the laws of physics, along with brains so we could figure things out by ourselves. One can not blaspheme. It is impossible.
    I’m very interested to see what kind of response this open letter receives. May you all find peace and camaraderie. Looking forward to discussion.

  15. 25 Thiravin Jun 30, 2014 at 07:51

    Thanks for such a beautiful measure post and sharing.
    Also have read the really thorough and heartfelt and lengthy responses to several fellow travellers. Especially when it can be person specific and naturally all encompassing.
    major takeaway for me – Is that compassion and love starts with ourselves as well as the other wonderful people in our life.
    Frequent suicidal ideational is not fun or fulfilling and sometimes feels like escapism although I empathise with many who are going and have gone through some really challenging periods. Ultimately as you’ve so clearly pointed out, emotions are only half the truth and it is worth considering the other sides and giving it all a chance.
    Peace to all

  16. 26 Akkiey Jul 3, 2014 at 20:52

    Thanks alot Henk,I have decided to end my life in the manner u have mentioned it in here.I liked the point regarding suicide note.

  17. 27 Tim Aug 5, 2014 at 06:58

    This self-involved article– the note is for the survivors– ignores the person in pain ready to kill themselves. Here I am, ready to do the deed. And the truth is, I am here because I am alone. I am ready to go because I’m at the bottom and the people who supposedly love me wouldn’t lift a finger to help me. I’m not an addict, I haven’t harmed everyone. People smile and say they love me. But I’m in bad financial and personal trouble, well, they’re ‘sending me love’. You know what? When someone wants to commit suicide, it usually IS another person’s self-involvement and inability to see beyond themselves. People I have lifted up 100 times that I would do anything for, now that I need help in the worst way, it’s apparently too much to ask. You want a sane, measured thoughtful note in the middle of an insanely painful act. You’re crazier than we the suicidal.

    • 28 Henk van Setten Aug 5, 2014 at 10:14

      Dear Tim,

      you’re making a fundamental mistake: you are blaming others for your own difficulties. I think this also means that essentially you’re not suicidal — rather, you’re angry, which is a very different thing. And yes, I do know that many people have been stupid enough to kill themselves out of resentment and anger and feelings of of undeserved loneliness, but I truly hope you will not be one of them.

      My page here is intended, among other things, to make people realize that in spite of feeling suicidal, they still can care (and need to care) about others, from family to strangers. Once you realize you still do care, it can help you to get out of the abyss.

      I have tried to kill myself twice, one time surviving only through sheer, improbable coincidence. Believe me, I know as much about suicidal urges as you do. Instead of calling me crazy, you should take a closer look at yourself. Will those overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment really get you anywhere? Except for an untimely and undeserved grave, that is?

      I wish you better — and you should expect that better solution not from others, but from yourself. You can do it. We all can. Caring again is just the beginning.

      My best wishes will accompany you.

  18. 29 KC Aug 7, 2014 at 00:47

    hi but death is a permanent solution to a temporary. humans are good that when you put your mind to it the statics like this will work 2percent or less disappear. like me i have a deadline set … have to follow through no matter. it is what it is ….

  19. 30 Randy Aug 17, 2014 at 10:14

    I think about it sometimes. Usually late at night when im in bed and unable to sleep which is every night now. I have already thought about what I wouldsay and how I would say it so that nobody spinds the rest of their lives blaming themselves for my choice of actions. Its my choice and if I make it I want to do it in a dignified way that wont leave unanswered questions and feelings of guilt to others. My life is a mess and I do think that this would be the only realistic option for me at this point. I haven’t had a job in 7 years, I’ve been living with my mother and I stayed with my father in colorado for 2 years mostly in his basement. Those were the worst 2 years of my life. I had a guy drag my heart through the mud after a year and a half of being Intimate, my stepmother treated me like the nastiest piece of trash you could imagine and called me a faggot. Now im back at my moms trailor. I’ve come to the realization that my life is not going anywhere and it likely never will. I am just a burden to those around me all the time. I feel like suicide might actually be what I am supposed to do with my life. There is no point to my existance. Im just a worthless bum with nothing to live for. I dont want to leave a big mess and I dont want my family to find my mangled corpse. Im thinking about suicide by cop. Maybe walk to the police station and start smashing police car windows and when they come outside I can make a move for their weapon and not give them a choice. Maybe even throw a rock at a cop car and when the officer stops ans gets out, once again I could make a move for his weapon. Ive also thought maybe I could get a 20 foot section of dryer ducting, roll down my car window just enough then seal up the gaps with duct tape and tape the other end to my exost pipe then I can just slip away peacefully. I cant drive my car because I cant afford to fix it up enough to get it registered but it does run. I have some ideas but not a solid plan yet.

  20. 31 parentingguru Aug 17, 2014 at 13:07

    I have subscribed to these pages ever since I posted my problems that led me to think about committing suicide. Ever since henk adviced me iv been a whole lot better than before. Sure life isn’t easy but it is worth fighting for. Randy I’m a bisexual guy and I know how you feeling. I dropped out of varsity due to financial issues and its the 2nd year I’m home now due to that however I’m proud to say that next year I’m going back to school because even though I was raised in difficult circumstances but I’m thankful that god gave me the passion to read and curiousity. Iv made money on the internet using my writing skills. It wasn’t an easy road but I did it after 2 years of trial and error. I’m writing a book to help people like you and me make money online. I can see you in a difficult circumstance randy but from one human to the other I beg you please don’t do it. I’ll help you make a bit of money online using your cellphone. No catch no nothing. The reason this touched me was because last year a friend of mine committed suicide and he was going through what you went through…. To this day I still haven’t forgiven myself for not stopping him even though I saw the signs and I ignored them. I’m not going to make the same mistake here. Life is precious. It is difficult with problems surfacing left, right and centre. I know that feeling whereby you think you doing good and then a problem surfaces again and all you wish is to get a break. But what I can say is every problem has a solution. Don’t do it man. You still have a lot to live for… I’m pretty sure you have goals and dreams, and you want to achieve those. You can… I’ll help you to. Just don’t do it. Email me If you wanna talk or need my help in making money online…

    (P.S: I may be a stranger but I care…. So please reconsider your decision)

  21. 32 Michael Sep 20, 2014 at 14:36

    Henkel thank you for your article. Totally agree with all your steps have been planning suicide for six months now ,and put a lot of thought into it .
    At the moment just started a social anxiety course which lasts ten weeks am willing to give all therapies a chance . My main problem about getting better though is the thought of living in a society of the haves and the have nots. It is not a fair or socially just world and is simply getting worse by the day.I have thought about the date of my suicide so it does not coincide with anyone’s Birthday anniversary Christmas or any day which should be a happy time in my families life.Just to figure out a way so that the police and not a family member finds me.Thanks for listening carry on the good work.

    • 33 Henk van Setten Sep 24, 2014 at 22:13

      Michael, I don’t know your exact reasons for considering suicide but it’s certainly positive that you want at least to do it in a careful, considerate way; and it’s even more positive that you still want to try therapies.

      As for how the world works, many of us have trouble facing the undeniable fact that society is basically unfair in many respects. I wonder though if that unfairness, by itself, should be a reason for suicide. Maybe you should bring yourself (like many others) to just accept the world’s unfairness a little bit and learn to live with it, while at the same time overcoming your own limitations a little better. I hope a therapy will help you with that!

      As for the first part (accepting) let me add that of course it’s good to try first to change the world for the better: we all can do our part in one way or another. But it’s bad to keep trying to change the unchangeable, for that can make you unhappy, like when you keep running into a wall. In the latter case, the road to happiness may start with learning to accept that some things are so hard to change that you can better use your energy for something else.

      Wishing you the best, Henk

  22. 34 Alicia Sep 30, 2014 at 14:52

    Thank you for addressing such an important aspect of suicide – what is left behind. The emotional and practical aftermath for those left in the wake of a suicide is often so overlooked. I feel that suicide needs to be done with serious consideration for others, and being wrapped up in yourself can make that hard to see. No emotion acts more selfishly than sadness.
    The main reason I’ve abstained from suicide for so long is because I can’t stand the idea of leaving such a mess for me friends and family. In my case, they’ve been good to me. Even with its deep pits, circumstantially I’ve been blessed and I’m thankful. But since I was a 5th grader, there’s been a gnawing depression, a weight that is not circumstantial, although it can certainly make it worse. Sometimes it feels like my whole sense of being is turned inwards and I can’t touch the outside and it can’t touch me. I take in my surroundings and the world in a way that marinates inside me and slowly turns to vinegar. The apathy and despondence is at once overwhelming and bland, and although I’ve developed healthier ways to cope with it as I’ve grown older, it’s often lead me to the brink of killing myself. The only thing that helps is to shut myself off somewhere, because being around people worsens my conditions in those times….otherwise, I’m very sociable and bright around others. It can be so isolating.
    Objectively speaking, there are many good things going and developing for me, but most days it’s hard to care. To be very honest, I’ve hung on for what seems like so long, and I am so, so tired. Even if my life was “perfect”, the depravity of human kind, the raped earth, the things I do that offend my soul in order to meet some end goal of “happiness…” it weighs too heavily on me. It asphyxiates me every day.
    I’m probably commenting for the same reason everyone else has. We all want out stories heard. Death is so lonely, but sometimes living is lonelier.

    • 35 just some guy Oct 3, 2014 at 02:43

      In response to Alicia:
      Thank you for posting. I really was starting to think I was the only one who had dealt with these kind of feelings since such a young age and without provocation. It seems some of us are just destined to be lonely whether we’re alone or not. It doesn’t feel good to know you feel bad and if you feel at all like me then I’m sorry and have nothing but the utmost sympathy and empathy, but I must admit that I do feel some sense of kinship in knowing that, maybe, there is someone else who actually gets it, really understands that for some of us this nameless faceless nemesis will never yield. I might love you, though honestly I’m not sure if I know what that word means.
      May your peaceful moments increase and your painful ones subside.

  23. 36 Eff You Oct 1, 2014 at 23:32

    WHAT THE F*** is this kind of “suicide-help” post doing in a website dedicated to helping depression? Moderators should take this contagious bullshit off the site.

    • 37 Henk van Setten Oct 2, 2014 at 01:36

      Did you actually try to read and understand what this is about? Sigh… let me try to make it clear for you.

      Suicidal people often will just kill themselves impulsively, without having properly thought about all the consequences first. Well, this page is here because it helps such people to get rid in time of any too-romantic notions about suicide, and to think instead more systematically and clearly about a few of the actual consequences — before acting on their impulse.

      In short, this page just helps people to actually think a little better about their suicidal impulse first.

      From some of the other comments here, and (as I can assure you) from several personal reactions I’ve got, it is quite clear that this page has in fact already helped to prevent some impulsive suicides — simply because it helped a few people to consider their impulsive suicidal feelings in a more rational, detached way… and then, once they came to realize some of the actual consequences, to change their mind.

      This page will probably not help prevent suicides of a less impulsive kind. But in those cases, it may at least help to slightly lessen the terrible consequences of an actual suicide for other people, for family and for friends.

      So in whatever way you look at it, this page is a good, well-meant, and positive effort. If you had really read it, you would have seen that it is not meant as an invitation to suicide at all.

      I won’t blame you for your own kind of impulsiveness, your apparent unwillingness to understand. But I didn’t like your choice of words, which is why I censored your F-word by putting a few *** in it.

      Next time, please use your mind for a moment before you use your keyboard.

  24. 38 dan Oct 3, 2014 at 03:53

    I am done with life I have my letters wrote and the date set so I am alone goodbye thanks for all trying I am done

    • 39 Henk van Setten Oct 6, 2014 at 22:19

      I’m truly sorry to hear this, Dan. Of course I’m also sorry for not having been able to help you, but in the very first place I feel sorry for you.

      I don’t know what else to say right now.

      I wish you whatever is the best for you — and I really hope that you have thought carefully about what’s best for you. For if you would happen to be wrong in this respect, that wrong judgment could lead to a mistake that can never in all eternity be corrected!

      So I won’t wish you happiness, but I do wish you wisdom.

  25. 40 E-nonymous Oct 3, 2014 at 16:19

    You know, sometimes I think of doing it, I’ll read something like this, and just think, how much better my life, or rather, lack of one would be… No more pain, no more suffering, no more constant attempts to do ones best, only to fail in the end..

    It’s a wonderful idea, yet a morbid, horrible one at the same time. Every day I wonder if I’ll be joining the ranks of this worlds failures, and as more time passes, I begin to lose hope, by the next few months, it might be over for me, which is a sad thing to imagine, but I just can’t see any other way for me. I look at myself and see a mistake, it’s just so hard living with it sometimes..

    • 41 Henk van Setten Oct 6, 2014 at 22:54

      Dear Enonymous,

      I don’t quite get how the idea of being dead can be “wonderful”. Wonderful for whom? Not for you, because you won’t exist so you won’t be there to find anything wonderful… And as you won’t be there to notice the lack of pain and suffering and failures, the absence of pain and suffering and failures will give you no satisfaction either. None at all. It won’t feel better or worse, because you’re not there to feel anything.

      From what you write I get the impression that you consider suicide because you consider yourself a failure. I think that’s a wrong way to look at things. Of course it depends from what criteria you use for “success” and “failure”. If you define “success” as getting rich or famous, then most human lives are not a big success… And many people do not even become very happy or very loved — at least not all the time. Maybe you are just making yourself unhappy by setting to high, too faraway goals for yourself?

      Some people need half a lifetime before they discover that actually it’s the small, seemingly unimportant things that can make them happy… If it takes that long, then they’ve been needlessly unhappy for the first half of their lives, just because of a wrong way of looking at things.

      In my own opinion what’s important is not the result of your efforts, not the overall success or failure of one’s life, but the effort itself. As a well-known saying goes: it’s not the destination of your voyage that matters, but it’s the voyage itself.

      To extend this voyage comparison: you should not focus on where your walk is supposed to bring you, and not even how many miles you walk a day. Instead, you should fully concentrate on each single small step you take, one at a time. As for success, this trying itself is the success!

      I hope this helps,

  26. 42 J Oct 12, 2014 at 23:43

    wow – some random guy actually and i believe genuinely cares about the people leaving comments, that takes some courage, i would read them all but i cant really read, but from the few words i did get – they were all kind and understanding ones – good for you x

  27. 43 Jo Kearney Oct 13, 2014 at 09:04

    This site is clear, concise and simple. Thank you. Just the kind of advice I was looking for. :) :(

  28. 44 james Oct 21, 2014 at 05:31

    I think we need more sites and information like this. I have been suicidal nearly all my life. In the last couple of years it has been getting worse, however I am not upset, I am not mad at anyone. I just want to check out. Life for me is not bad, I make plenty of money, I have people that love me. I just don’t like the rat race and want to leave this world.

    The problem being that the people that I love and that love me will be devastated with my decision. If anyone ever knew of my desire to end life, well. I am not sure, but they would be upset. I am glad that some people like the author of this site are thinking about the damage that suicide causes. Not to the people who want out but to the people who are left to clean up the pieces.

    I personally will not act on my decision until my daughter has left school and forms a family of her own, (She wont depend on me so much). However after that I will be doing plenty of research to make sure that I leave the least painful impact on the people that I love. Site like this make it possible for people like me to act responsibly about suicide.

  29. 45 Zoe Oct 31, 2014 at 00:03

    I’ve considered suicide before. Multiple times. And each time it’s for the same reasons; all I keep doing is making mistakes and making life difficult for everyone around me. I continuously make immature and self-centered decisions and it makes everyone around me frustrated and angry. I make their lives harder. I don’t do it on purpose, but it just seems like if I make a mistake, it ends up hurting someone else. All I do is fail at everything, I don’t have any accomplishments, none that are relevant anyway. So I figured that if I die, then people won’t have to deal with me as a deadweight failure anymore, or in the future.

    I had thought that if I kill myself, I won’t be around to continue messing up everyone’s lives with my stupidity, and that it’s a way of punishing myself for every selfish or immature thing that I’ve done, like an execution, I guess. But I can’t do it.

    My family’s already gone through three deaths, not too long ago actually, and I don’t want to put them through a fourth. I don’t want my siblings growing up with the fact that their sister took her life. My friends knew someone who committed suicide, and I keep wondering what would happen to them if I did it. So either way, I feel like I’m still ruining everyone’s lives. I’m stuck.

    I’m afraid to tell my family and friends because all they’ll do is worry about me, and they have better things to do with their lives than worry about me. I’m afraid to get therapy because I’m afraid of being criticized and judged, or that my family will be criticized or judged, and deep down I tell myself that I’m being dramatic and other people have worse problems and that I’m being self centered and just need to suck it up.

    I keep thinking that I should just do it, that the world doesn’t need another selfish person taking up space, that I’d be doing everyone a favor, that I should just set a date, plan it, and get it over with, and I Google how to plan a suicide, and came across this article, and I read it, and I just kept thinking about what would happen to my family if I die, how it would affect them, and now….I don’t know about committing suicide.I don’t know what to do.

    • 46 Henk van Setten Oct 31, 2014 at 23:24

      Dear Zoe, I’m glad you’re considering the consequences a suicide may have for other people such as your family.

      I also think that your having such a low esteem of yourself is typical for an extended depression, one that may be serious (though of course I cannot judge or diagnose that from here). Anyway, you should do something about it.

      You need to overcome your fear of telling your family about your suicidal moods: don’t worry that they will needlessly worry, but assume that even while worrying they also will actually be happy for you giving them the opportunity to help.

      Same kind of thing goes for therapy: why be afraid? Why assume people will criticize you? And even if in some respects they do, then why assume it would be devastating? A little criticism is not deadly, you know: it can also be helpful to improve things!

      Start trying by singling out one person whom you really trust, a family member or a friend or else someone like a priest or a social worker or a doctor. Try to tell him-or-her about your problems, suicidal thoughts, fears, low self-esteem, etc. And ask him-or-her to help you find a better way out, to help you find some actual solution through therapy or some other way: a real solution that in the end will make both you and your family much more happy.

      Somehow I am sure that with a little help, you can do it and find a way to get there, to systematically begin changing things (and change your own self-diminishing attitude).

      And don’t start with expectations that are too high or too impatient: in the beginning, it’s just little things that count. Even small achievements (like getting yourself to at least talk to someone about things) may already be helpful by themselves: by giving a little satisfaction, such little steps may give you the energy to continue on a better path.

      I wish you strength, wisdom, and in the end, some happiness too.

  30. 48 dan Nov 3, 2014 at 02:05

    Thankyou all,so much.but i Think I im a mess and feel that i can not understand anything any more.Sorry. mybe by responding i im asking for help? not sure.

  31. 50 dan Nov 5, 2014 at 04:34

    I just today found a new love in my life:my GRAND kids. I thing i’ll hang around for a long time.GOD BLESS you ALL.

    • 51 Henk van Setten Nov 5, 2014 at 19:37

      Dan: the best way to take good care of your kids will be by taking good care of yourself. I wish you (and them) all the best.

    • 52 dave Nov 11, 2014 at 23:21

      That was a speedy and dramatic change. Can I have some of that please? Every minute of every day for over a year now, I’m being tortured with guilt and suicidal thoughts, while my life goes into self destructive melt down. I have 3 adult children but no grandchildren yet. Been through all meds and psych stuff, but no help. Recently lost much of my retirement savings through foolish decision and trust, so I suspect I will be reminded and blighted by these feelings for ever, unless a grandchild comes along!

  32. 53 This Guy Nov 6, 2014 at 04:34

    55 and recently divorced, I guess I fit the mould nicely for this type of thinking. My two children are 18 and 20 and blame me to some extent for leaving, but infidelity is not a topic I wish to discuss with them concerning their Mother. I’m sure there are some men who can rise above things, and put the pieces back together after a breach in trust. I’m simply not that kind of man, and somewhat proud I can see that in myself and not feel to guilty. Considering what happened, how it happened, and why, I know I made the right choice.

    I have developed health issues as well, and certainly going through a divorce aggravated the condition to a point where I was about to go on disability. Point being, I fit the profile of a fellow who has a high probability of killing himself, and can tell you what hell feels like in here.

    I was given prescriptions for anxiety medications which I possibly subconsciously at first kept refilling and then stockpiling. With a measured amount of vodka, motion sickness pills to keep most of it down, its a very very workable plan. Relatively clean, painless…… Frankly, the plan has kept me going through rougher spots because I do know this is probably the only thing I can truly control – which sometimes gives me hope because frankly I have nothing to lose.

    My kids don’t speak to me as often (weeks go by), my own Mother has taken up a friendship with my ex (whom I have both blocked from any communications – it helps BTW).

    Lastly, I’m an executive in an industry for the past 33 years who is simply burned out completely. My employer stuck by me during the divorce, but it’s the job itself I can no longer get excited about anymore.

    I went from an active Dad, to a parent who sees his kids by appointment, to simply a paycheck. I have tried therapy and find it laughable. The people conducting “therapy” are less healthy than I, and it shows.

    Medication simply keeps the lid from boiling over at times, and my friends simply do not give a crap.

    I was lucky to date two wonderful woman after my divorce, but know without question that commitment and a healthy relationship are beyond my grasp. I blew both relationships up when things go too close…. so essentially, I screwed.

    I just keep planning and have for family reasons picked November 22nd as my exit. I am however, not sure what I’m doing, and sometimes would rather skip town for maybe a year, travel parts of the nation, or overseas to see what I may be missing that could give me some happiness.

    • 54 Henk van Setten Nov 6, 2014 at 22:11

      Your story as you wrote it down here is a sad one but also, clearly, a bit ambivalent. You express feelings of failure but on the other hand you’re also suggesting you did not too bad. A mix of depression and anger is something I myself know all too well…

      So you lost interest in your children (or they in you, or both ways) and in your job. These things happen (again, I know). You tried something new (dates) and the first ones didn’t work out. Is this enough reason to call it quits?

      I think you know the answer, for in your last few words you already gave it yourself.

      Don’t brood too much about yourself and your life (or your death). Concentrate on the world that is all around us, with all its fine and its nasty smells, sights, tastes, sounds and touch. Concentrate not on your next week but on your next five minutes.

      On that Saturday, November 22, do something else instead of undoing yourself. This can be as simple as taking a walk, or going into a shop and buying a new pair of socks, or watching a movie all by yourself, or trying to fry an egg. Also, think of something you might do (or someone you might give a call) the next Sunday morning. Don’t think any further.

      This does not mean I’m not taking you seriously. On the contrary, I do.

      For now, I simply don’t know what more I should say to you.

  33. 55 jim Nov 13, 2014 at 07:30

    Well I must thank you. I have been preparing for the day, but not as much as I should have, and this has made me realize that.

    I’m 32 and have felt disconnected from this place since I was 13. I never made any true friends, and have no passions. Nothing drives me, and nothing inspires. It is like living in a void. I just drift around while feeling no happiness except a small amount from my kids, though they live far away and I never get to see them anyway.

    I attempted once before in my early 20s and it didn’t go as plan. Maybe it was a desperate attempt for attention, but it doesn’t really matter anyhow. Nothing came about it. So I continued to keep at this parody of a life, with no gusto. No anything. So I just became even more withdrawn, and my mental strength kept deteriorating. I talk to myself a lot. Answer myself a lot. I truly feel insane, and know that I am very different than most, and ot in that good way you see in artistic people, or people with any kind of talent or skills.

    It is tiring. Very tiring. Seeing people happy doesn’t make me angry, or mad, just more morose. There are too many people here that wish to live, and that have nothing, for me to keep taking resources from this place without even hope.

    Medications do not work. Talking does not work. Never has. It doesn’t take a scientist to see that some people are just not meant for this place, and it’s games it plays. Some are just losers, and that is ok. We cannot all be winners. We all cannot be quarterbacks, or first chair musicians. I no longer have dreams of being something else. I have no job, and I no trades because I feel nothing excites me enough to continue doing for the time needed to get good at it. It is something that I just cannot keep at bay any longer. 20 years is long enough.

    I really wish to thank you though, because I do not wish harm upon anyone. I hate to see hurt in people, though they really couldn’t care less about me it seems. I am an extremely unlikable person, and have been since I was a child. Making sure the few people in my life understand exactly how I feel this time(last time) will be my last priority. Making sure they do not uncover me, and making sure they do not blame themselves is what is important til my birthday, which will also be my last day. It seemed fitting.

    Keep up your work, Henk. I am sure you have probably done amazing things in your life, and I wish the best for you and your family.

  34. 56 Cami Nov 14, 2014 at 04:01

    I’m 13 years old and I’ve already got everything planned out. I have three bottles of my antidepressant medication, and a pen and paper. But I don’t really know how to write my goodbyes. I’ve got wonderful friends and a beautiful girlfriend, but I think they’d be better off without me screwing things up constantly. I’ve tried suicide twice in the last 4 months, and all it did was land me in a hospital. I’ve never been loved by my real family. They all treat me like a piece of shit. They just give me medication so they don’t look bad. They don’t want the reputation of having an emo daughter. I was beaten violently when I was young, by my grandfather. I’ve been told I am worthless and I’m a mistake every day for 12 years. On my first day of kindergarten, I told the teacher that my name was Mistake. I truly thought it was my name. Now I think its time for me to go. I don’t know where I’m going, but I hope its far away.

  35. 57 Dave Nov 14, 2014 at 22:45

    Emotions are so intense in your teens and you’re only just starting on what should be a long and joyful life ahead. You can make changes and will have opportunities as time moves on, but need to hang on in there, one day at a time. That beautiful girlfriend and wonderful friends are where your thoughts need to be. Do you really want to hurt them? Spend as much time with them as you can. Write down all the things you enjoy and the good things you have. Do the things that make you feel good. Try and learn to let the negative stuff from the past run off you. Don’t let it distress your brain and squeeze ot the good things. You can have a wonderful future ahead which you can make for yourself if you work on the good stuff. There are plenty of stories of how people do. You won’t have to have contact with the family members you don’t like forever and any overdose of tablets or self injury will hurt and affect you and those you love forever and far more than it will those you dislike.

  36. 58 not worth mentioning Nov 19, 2014 at 04:42

    Compared to the other posts on here I feel like mine is going to sound stupid. Nevertheless I still have been contemplating suicide. My future looks grim and there is no recovery. I’m 17 and have acquired toxic chronic encephalopathy. Every day is a struggle and lowers my self esteem even further. I feel worthless and so very very dumb. The worst part is it was my fault to begin with. I have always loved to experiment but at the age of 16 I decided to repaint my computer case. I had seen modders online repaint xbox controllers, laptops, and all kinds of electronics. I had found spray paint in our garage and decided on trying for myself. I didn’t use any protection at all. There was little to no ventilation, I had no respirator and my parents hadn’t realized what I was doing. By time I started showing symptoms it was to late; the damage was done. Every day since then has been a living hell. I’m unable to understand the simplest of things, my speech is broken, my memory is shot (I forget things within seconds) and the worst part is knowing I was the one who caused it. I was once a normal kid who had a chance at life but I destroyed my chances before I even began. I feel so bad because my parents had hopes for me and I know I can’t live up to them anymore. Every day I wake up hoping to feel better but I never do, I never will.
    I blame no one but myself. I have let my family down and will only cause more stress and worry then I am worth. I can’t take it anymore either. I forget conversations and names so quickly, I can’t do things I used to even though I want to so badly. I’m just a mess. I have decided to end it as peacefully as possible. I don’t want to cause any more stress to my family then possible. I’ve already started making preparations. I’m just having a hard time finding a way to make it less traumatic for my family when they find me. I was originally just going to walk into the woods in the middle of winter but reading the recommendations, it might not be a good idea. For the suicide note I have decided to write one individually for each person I wish to receive one and leave a usb drive with the remainder of pictures/ videos and other files that my family might wish to have. I’m planning on doing it after the holidays in hopes that I won’t ruin them for anyone else.
    thanks for the tips.

  37. 59 Henk van Setten Nov 22, 2014 at 16:20

    Nov 22, 2014 MESSAGE FROM HENK (StayOnTop blogger)

    Dear all,

    At the moment I am too ill to work. I will not be able to properly maintain this blog for at least some more weeks. See my post “Away for a While” (click “The Latest” in the menu bar at the top of this page).

    I post this here because I am very sorry that I was not able to reply to the last comments on this particular blog page myself. At least now you know why.

    My temporary absence also means that if in the next few weeks you post a new comment here, it may take a long time before your comment does actually appear on this page. Again, sorry.

    If you got here because you’re feeling suicidal, then I surely hope that you will keep trying to avoid impulsive actions without giving a thought to all the consequences. Please also do try one more time to consider what alternatives still might be open to you.

    For myself, I hope to be back here soon and get everything back to normal again. I really do wish you all the best for now.

    Thanks for your understanding,


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